Tales of the Parodyverse

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Dancer
Mon Nov 20, 2006 at 05:37:02 am EST
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Dancer #42: “Can I also add that the Shoggoth is excused from doing the wooga-wooga dance as well”
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Dancer #42: “Can I also add that the Shoggoth is excused from doing the wooga-wooga dance as well”


[The Story So Far: In a bout of temporary insanity, Dancer’s poster started another multi-part crossover story even though she vowed she’d never do that again. But then she’s vowed never to do a lot of things again, and that never seems to stop her. Still it’s a living for the therapists I suppose. Where was I? Oh yes, multi-part crossover etc.

So anyhow, here we are in the crumbling trap-laden Parodiopolis Variety Theatre on its grand gala reopening night where the incognito Lair Legion are about to perform. Sorry if I missed out any cast or crossovers. I’m going from memory here and it’s Monday morning.

No Canadians were harmed during the making of this chapter. Well, maybe a little psychological scarring, but otherwise…]

ManMan, peering through the curtain: That is a lot of people. I mean a lot of people.

Knifey, ManMan’s talking knife: And this is coming from a man who can count almost to a hundred.

Dancer: Come away from the curtain, Joe. It’s bad luck to peek out at the audience before the performance. The theatre gods will strike you down with acting cramps.

Visionary, worriedly: Acting cramps? What are acting cramps? *checks himself hurriedly * Hmm. Too-tight sequinned costume. Strangely disturbing makeup. But I don’t have any acting cramps yet. Just butterflies in my stomach.

Lisa: Fake butterflies, probably.

Vizh: They’re real butterflies, dammit. Er, well not actually real real, unless I accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of larvae cocoons and they somehow hatched out in my intestinal tract.

Knifey: And what are the chances of that happening twice?

Dancer: Are you out of your mind, Visionary? Saying the B-word before the curtain goes up? That’s a sure way to contract upstage amnesia. Everyone knows that!

Vizh: I think I forgot about it.

Lisa: It’s really filling up out there. Who’d have thought that so many people would pay to come to the restored Parodiopolis Variety Theatre Variety and Burlesque Gala? We must be making a fortune. I did mention the percentage cut I get for arranging the copyright issues, didn’t I?

Dancer: Er, well the fact is that a lot of people helped out to fix up the old place, and it only seemed fair to give them complimentary tickets. And free Hatman merchandising.

Hatman: Has anybody seen my suitcase? I could have sworn I had a change of clothes in there for when I get out of this costume.

Dancer: Well, kind of Hatman merchandising.

Hatman: And whose idea was it to dress me as a giant maple leaf anyhow?

CSFB: *snickers*

Hatman: Well, at least this time I get to be a male maple leaf.

Lisa, curiously: How can you tell?

Hatman: *shudders*

The Librarian, carrying his volume of Dickens to perform later: So how many people out there are actually paying customers?

Dancer: Some. A few. Well, Mumphrey bought a ticket.

Citizen Z: So, in summary, we’re about to put on a gala performance in a firetrap theatre for no profit in order to set ourselves up as targets for some wannabe theatrical crimelord. But on the bright side Hatman has to dress up as a part of a tree of indeterminate gender.

Hatman: Hey!

Yo: Is to not be worrying, cute-Hatty. Is good to be of indeterminate gender, Yo thinks.

Trickshot: How long to go now? Old Brer Tricky is ready to perform. And nobody will guess it’s me because I’ll be doing all my shooting left-handed.

Visionary, the target: Er…

Dancer: Tricky! You can’t go around mentioning, you know, the hand other than the right hand backstage. That’s a surefire way of having a freak sandbag fall from the gods and split your skull open.

Citizen Z: At least it won’t affect his performance.

Dancer: There’s only one thing to do now, Tricky. Stand on one leg, spit over your shoulder, and say “Rice Pudding” three times as you hop in a circle.

The Librarian: You know, I have access to the most extensive database of theatrical customs in the solar system and I’ve never come across a tradition that says…

Dancer: Shut up Lee.

Al B. Harper: Okay. I’ve set up the security diagnostic monitors. I’ve scanned the crowd for weapons and metahuman abilities… Why is Trickshot hopping round in a circle?

Dancer: Al, you can’t call the patrons a… what you did. Not on opening night!

Lisa: Here it comes.

Dancer: No, seriously Al. You’ll bring down the curse of the ill-fitting costume malfunction on us.

Citizen Z: See that might have been a way to sell a few tickets.

Al B: I’m not superstitious. And I’m not going to hop.

Yo: What is being wrong with hopping, Yo would like to know?

Dancer: Hopping can’t save you now, Al. What you have to do is put your finger in your ear and sing the Greek national anthem. It’s our only chance now!

Librarian: I can’t find any reference to this in my database either…

Lisa & Citizen Z: Shut up, Lee!

Al B: I don’t even know the Greek national anthem. Is it about retsina?

Dancer: Retsina certainly helps you to sing it.

Yuki: Okay, I’ve finished the non-geek security checks. I’ve got the Shoggoth covering all the exits. Only not literally. Well, not now I’ve explained the expression to him.

ManMan: Do you know how hard I had to scrub to get the gunge off those doors in the first place? I think I’m coming down with acting cramps.

Hatman: No really, Al. We Canadians know this kind of thing. Sing after me, “Oh Glorious Greekland our great Greeky home”

CSFB: Hey, you’re supposed to be the straight man. Well, except when we have you dressed in drag for comedic purposes.

Yuki: Can we get started? Only I think Mr Epitome’s ventriloquist’s doll is getting stage fright.

Dancer: Don’t mention stage fright, Yuki! Good grief! Now you have to pour custard down the pants of one of your fellow performers and do the woooga-wooga dance together.

Lisa: [comment deleted]

The Manga Shoggoth: Hey! She said custard. Not me.

Citizen Z: Can I also add that the Shoggoth is excused from doing the wooga-wooga dance as well. He really should not be shaking that booty.

ManMan: Especially not near the walls I scrubbed.

Tricky: Can I stop hopping round yet?

Hatman and Al B.: “And so from our Greeceland we never shall roam…”

Donar: Heilsa, fellow thespians. Why art yon Trickshot turning about. And what is that oozing from Visionary’s pants?

Lisa: I’m really hoping it’s Yuki’s custard. Really hoping.

Al B: Are you sure this is the Greek national anthem?

Donar, threateningly: How should I know, techling? Are you saying I art Greek? Are you??

Dancer: You do know that “break a leg” is just a saying, right?

The Shoggoth: Like cover the exits? Ah. I wish you had mentioned that earlier.

The Librarian: You know, I’ve just rechecked my musical library for that version of the Greek national anthem and…

Everybody: Shut up, Lee!

Dancer: Okay, it’s time to raise the curtain. It’s time to light the lights. It’s time to meet the Legion on the Legion show tonight.

Baron Otto von Zemo, up in the box: Get on with it. This is rubbish!

Al B: Well, if I’m allowed to stop singing for a moment, and if, y’know, Donar would put me down so my feet touch the floor, I’ll hit the buttons.

Vizh: Wait. I haven’t got my clean pants on yet.

Lisa: And we’re off!

[Curtain rises… Story continues….]




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